Simple Math

11 Months + A Hair Straightener =

I always find myself repelled by efforts to reduce doctrine to simplified formulas. Doctrine – the teaching of the faith should not reduce our understanding but enlarge it – to the very point of silence – and beyond. It is why it is so frustrating to try and explain icons. No one has an argument with the presence of words in the Church – the icons do the same things words do – only with color and in the language of silence. I can enter the Church, remain in silence and yet see (and hear!) something other than the incessant chatter of my own mind. The icons speak with the texture of the Kingdom – opening windows and doors that transcend every height and depth, things present and things to come.

- Fr. Stephen Freeman, Glory to God for All Things

They gave their lives and glorified Christ;They gave their lives, and remained alive.

- from a hymn of praise about the Holy Martyrs Menodora, Metrodora and Nymphodora

"O gentle Lord, a man of great sin am I, and because of my many sins I am greatly downcast. According to Thy mercy, forgive me my sins, all my sins, O God, from my early youth. And grant me strength for future times, that with new sins I will not burden my yoke, that to the end of my life I may do Thy will, and burn for Thee with greater love. Amen."

- St Paisius the Great of Egypt

I can't wait for this.

(almost) 6 months

I'm discovering that it is far more profitable to take others' words in than to let my own out.

Feelings

Today is one of those days that just doesn't feel at all like any particular day. I'm fairly certain that it is Tuesday, but if my computer wasn't telling me that right now, I don't think I'd really bet on it. Some days just seem to exist like this, nothing really makes them special, but they also don't fit the mold of the weekly routine. I went to all my classes and everything, but today just didn't have that typical Tuesday feeling. I think it's really interesting, that feeling that things have. Thinking about how today lacks any sense of that Tuesday feeling has got me thinking about all kinds of feelings and how sometimes they can be really fascinating. Like that new semester feeling that you can never get back after the first few days of classes. Or the last day of school feeling that isn't even there on the second to last day. Or the feeling of summer that sometimes makes guest appearances on exceptionally fair spring afternoons. Or the driving to church feeling that tends to be more anxious than it ought to be, whether you're too early or too late. Or the feeling of holding someone's hand for the first time that makes you nervous in a way that refuses to come back. Or the feeling of reading an old book, especially if you're sitting in an old chair and reading by incandescent, non-fluorescent light. Thinking about it now, it seems like almost everything has a special sort of feeling to it. Even sitting here at my desk under my bed, typing away on my laptop in the terrible lighting with headphones in. It's a fairly familiar feeling, but it's a definite feeling nonetheless. For the most part, I don't know if any of this matters at all. But, part of me thinks that these feelings are worth embracing and enjoying and experiencing fully, regardless of how frequent or infrequent they are. I may have been reminded tonight that all is vanity, but I was also reminded that all things, whether eating or drinking or toil or anything, are gifts from God.

talking to adults

I was listening to a podcast from public radio's "This American Life" (thanks to John King for the recommendation) and there was a segment about talking to adults. It caught my attention right away, since I'm super shy around adults. For some reason I've just always felt intimidated when trying to talk to anyone more than 10 years older than me, even when they're someone who I know fairly well. The woman telling her story about talking to adults was entirely different from me in this respect, because she loved talking to adults. One of the adults she loved talking to was her psycho-analyst, and that's where I felt like we were exactly the same. I don't have a psycho-analyst or anything like that, but her reasons for enjoying talking to hers were sentiments i share exactly. She said she liked feeling like she was on a talk show, feeling like people (or at least a person) were hanging on her every word and truly caring about her thoughts and feelings. I don't think her and I are unique in that feeling. In fact, I think almost everyone, at least in the culture I know, shares in the desire to be listened to and cared about. It's what leads to blogs and songs and facebook and twitter and relationships and even prayer, and I really think it's beautiful. It can be kind of ugly when it's self-centered and prideful and one-sided, sure. But when it turns into relationships and people knowing each other closely and people opening their hearts to be known by God, it's beautiful. Wanting to be known indicates a desire for community, and community is one of the things that I find life to be most worth living for.

What's up?

I think it's kind of funny that the two most common replies to "What's up?" seem to be "Nothing" and "What's up?"

Priceless

I figured if I'm growing my hair out this year, I should post a picture while it's still January. Plus, I was enjoying this moment so much, kicking back in our new recliner, enjoying thursday night with the roommates, I thought it deserved a picture to capture the moment. And since I just mentioned the recliner, which was purchased last weekend at the ReStore for $14, I would also like to add that I am infatuated with the record player we got the same day for $15. And the bass guitar I got for $100. It was definitely a good weekend of buys. And this kind of sounds like a MasterCard commercial, so I'm done now.

wasting time complaining

i do not understand how people live actual busy lives.
i have classes, a job where i can do my homework, a job once a week where i can't, and i find it hard to do anywhere near as much as i'd like to.
i've heard before that people tend to find more time for more things when they're busier, and i think that might be true. i feel like i was more productive last semester when i had more classes.
there are just so many things that can be done. spending time with friends, spending time with a girlfriend, exercising, reading, writing, homework, listening to music, trying to play music, eating, drinking, sleeping. and those are just the things i'd like to do every day, not to mention things to do on special occasions or every so often or weekly or whatnot.
i suppose it's better to make the best of time all the time instead of complaining though.

less mixed than i though

i am not excited to start waking up early for classes
i am excited to start learning and working again
i just realized that the concept i was planning for this post has already failed, because i can't really think of anything else about school that i'm not excited about.
i am excited to live a short walk away from two libraries
i am excited to see my roommates
i am excited to see my friends
i am excited to live close to my girl
i am excited to see her every day
oh, i suppose i'm not super excited about writing papers
i am excited to actually use the wellness center this semester
i am excited to eat meals with friends
i am really excited to be going back to school.

kind of a shame

I really enjoy listening to music.
Sometimes to an almost unhealthy extent.
And I really enjoy music metaphors.
In fact, 3 of the last 4 poems I've written involve them.
My "Recently Added" section of iTunes is currently 1.2 days long.
I'm capable of directing nearly any conversation to the subject of music.
My one tattoo is based off of a song title.
When asked about my interests, music is essentially an automatic response for me.
I really, really like music.
I think it's probably safe to say I love music.

And I have virtually no musical talent.
Ugh.

A sort of beginning, I suppose.

Well, I've decided to join the blogging world. With sentences and punctuation and stuff. Instead of just my poems that don't make actual sense to other people, or even myself at time. Of course I'll keep doing that on my other blog, but I want to try actually blogging on this one. If that makes any sense. I don't know why really, to be honest.

Partly because I know other people who do.

Partly because poems are hard to write all the time.

Partly because it seems like it might be nice to just write about my life sometimes.

I guess it's kind of weird that I say I'm "joining" the realm of blogging when I've had two blogs for quite some time now. But I always used this one for my "theology" and the other one for my "poetry," so I guess I'm joining in a more abstract sense, maybe?

I don't really know if I've ever really understood blog form for sure. Who is the audience?
Is it the blog, like a diary?
Is it myself, like a sort of reflection?
Is it whoever might read this, like an open letter?
I'm not trying to ask a deep question here, I can honestly just never tell how a blog is supposed to be written. I don't think there are any rigid rules, but there always seems to be some set of unwritten rules for everything. I guess right now I'm kind of writing with a blog expert as my potential audience, since I'm asking all these questions and whatnot.